One more thing...

I just remembered hearing about David Tennant quitting as The Doctor.

To reiterate, "it feelz like my boyf just died". Wah. & Stephen Fry isn't even in the running to inherit "the Earth"?

I really like Doctor Who way too much, but I know I'm not alone. So shush. It's Friday, go have some fun like all you kids do! x

Tired...

I hope, that one day, I'll love my non-accidental scars as much as I love my tattoo. I hope I can learn to love them as much as I love my heart scar on my back:


(Scarification by Wayde Dunn, 2006)
They're all a part of me, and I wouldn't change it (or myself) for the world.

It's just past 4:20. You know what that means...
(It means I have to go home & watch Singin' In The Rain again, really, it's that good. Anyone who can't enjoy it needs to man the fuck up & start dancin' like Gene Kelly!)

Mmm, forbidden donut...

I'm so exhausted! I've been working pretty much all day - fuck exercise, I've been joyfully toiling through a can of resin (the plastic kind that I make jewels with), but mostly I've been reinventing a broken, but cute mini kitchen hutch, which I've turned into a resin curing, super awesome cupboard. Today, I installed hinges, handles & recovered most of it in scrapbooking paper I've acquired over the years. &, a resin batch that went murky (I used a different brand than usual, now I know it's Digger's or nothin'. Thx Bunnings). In a little while I'll make my way over to the Red Room at UQ, to see tight bros (& To The North as well, lolz ). It's an enjoyable, but long walk from mi casa. Right now, I'd prefer to sleeeeeeeeep (what hurts today will make me stronger tomorrow ). Why you so humid, Queensland? It's barely Spring! It's all the way to hell from here...

Once I get my camera up & running again (I have... misplaced my camera-to-computer cord in the junkyard that is my room), I'm going to create a "working with resin" how-to. It's so amazing to finally be able to create resin jewels that turn out perfectly. Mind you, that's with about... 3 years experience of working with it. & sometimes, not everything turns out great (the cast-offs are used to decorate the silly shit I make). But, with enough tips (when I started getting serious about it, I read the entire Craftster thread on it - it was a serious mission! Sharing knowledge is rad!), you can create some pretty fun stuff! My fingers are covered (with my experience, I sometimes make the somewhat dubious decision to not wear protective gloves) in a thin coating of resin and sometimes glitter. I love getting my hands dirty! The now-rad chipboard cupboard was a crumbling mess, but I think I've cleaned it up pretty ok so far... half the base is still uneven, though, that's going to be a bitch. The effort will be worth it, though. My limbs are also streaked with varnish and paint - it's a toxic profession!

Let that ill-gotten donut be forever on your head...
xLN


PS. Personal Halloween costume ideas: Tracy Turnblad (the original, I've always wanted to make her cockroach dress! I can do The Roach like nobody's business), Cathy Seldon (Singin' In The Rain really is beyond fantastic, I bought it yesterday, along with Stephen Hawking's A Brief History Of Time, a Cronenberg reader, & something else), & Nikki Brandt (from Videodrome, I'm obsessed, all I need is a "stimulating" red dress! Come to Nikki...!). I think Nikki wins...

2.30am - remember to breathe/dreams

My mind feels like it's sitting in stagnant water,
My brain pulses with stress, & refuses to shut off -
Breeding fear when I should be asleep.
I close my eyes
& I feel blood pulsing through my limbs.

I know I'm trying to talk myself out of sleeping, but I need a break from dreaming.
All my dreams involve international espionage... being chased or lost in foreign places.
When I try & piece them back together in the morning, (although I've given up; the more I remember, the less sense they make) I get frustrated, puzzled, & generally creeped out.

The subconscious is a wonderful thing.
Here's to having an overactive imagination,
& a habit of thinking (&thinking&thinking) about things I can't control.

Nights like these are why His Hero Is Gone are my favourite. (Headless/Heartless)

(I have 150 pages of The First Circle to go, but I'm already trying to decide what to read next... any suggestions? If I can procure my own copy, maybe it's time for Infinite Jest...)

In the spirit of the moment (reaching delerium now... yawn), here's a top 5 of my favourite lullabies to drift off to...

1. Mogwai - Come On Die Young (whole album)
2. Slint - Spiderland (ditto)
3. Joanna Newsom - Sawdust & Diamonds
4. Laurie Anderson - O Superman
5. Will Oldham (aka Bonnie 'Prince' Billy) - Seafarer's Music
(Hon. mentions - Joy Division, Cat Power, Iron&Wine, Karate, Archers Of Loaf...etc)

A short list of things that make me feel better.

1. Smoking
2. Drag Queens
3. Laughing at myself
4. Laughing in general
5. Coffee

Oh, Ash.

Evil Dead!

You should listen to more Zeke.

xLN

...

I admit, my recent thoughts have been negative.
& I need to get my priorities in order.
That has always been my problem... I just couldn't see it. My mind is not always "on the ball". I can see the bigger picture now. It's weird, how all kinds of lame analogies like that have rung true with me lately.

But right now, I need to busy myself with something.
I usually have the power to stop my "negative thought train", but it's still puffing along in the back of my mind.

(Can I do this? Can I "get on with my life?")

Full steam ahead...
I need to get some sleep.
Have you ever had dreams that were ultimate perfect what-you-want-to-happen-in-real-life?
As I recall my dreams throughout the day (vivid dreams are a side effect of meds I'm on, and they're not kidding. I sleep so deeply that my dreams are bizarre and intertwining), they twist into nightmares.

I can't deal with it.

If only these amazing things would happen in real life.
There's a constant nagging (I blame the train) in the back of my head.
What if this is like all the other times?
Can I do this "by myself"?
Is my resolve really stronger than ever?

I know I'm being indulgent, but that's the thing with depression.
Once you start thinking negatively, you never really stop.
A while ago I realized that I had been thinking so negatively, for so long, that I thought it was normal.
That may sound... obvious to you (it is to me now), but I have been unwell. For a long time.
Every thought was once a deception upon a deception (my own personal doublethink, forever loyal to the black cloud residing in my chest).
I can see through the cloud these days... most of the time.
But when the train starts running, the thicksome bloats of smoke (thx Nick Cave) fill
The cavity inside my chest.

xo Lisa Nicole.

Nihongo

One of my favourite things about the Japanese language is the non-existence of Capitalisation. I prefer to listen to the language via music (listen to Gauze’s Fuckheads album, it‘s fucking genius) and movies (Kurosawa mostly, but my favourite is Tetsuo - The Iron Man, second only - in my world - to Eraserhead. There‘s hardly any dialogue in Tetsuo, but the soundtrack alone is brilliant industrial madness. My god, Shinya Tsukamoto is a babe in that movie. I know, I‘m a creep), but even in it’s loosest, most comfortable form, there’s still a strict order and restraint to Japanese. In English, I’m finding, you can be a lot more political with your Capitalisation. I am unsure if I would give “xmas” a capital even at the start of a sentence. xmas day, AKA baby Jesus’ b’day, means family gathering, but the faith aspect is of no interest to me, personally. I believe in science… Stephen Hawking’s birthday should be celebrated! What an interesting man. The things he must dream about… terrify me! All my favourite geniuses have some kind of “obstacle”. For Kurt Vonnegut, it was old age. It broke my fucking heart when he died. Sometimes, when I’m feeling… anxious, I open up Breakfast Of Champions at any page and read, It’s my own personal version of praying. I read until I feel calm, which always happens after a while, he always makes me feel better. Then I thank Mr Vonnegut, sir (really, my version of praying, you could say weed has opened up my mind regarding spirituality - when David Foster Wallace died, I went straight to Incarnations Of Burned Children for comfort. I read it over and over, sometimes getting stuck on certain parts, & bawled my eyes out. That story always hit a note with me since the first time I read it… I get so caught up in the pace of it, it’s brilliant… Devastated & Lost, indeed), for the lovely prose that he happened to bless the world with.

God bless you, Mr Vonnegut (he's up in heaven now, you know)...

Peas out,
Lisa Nicole x