Wednesday, October 15, 2008


I admit, my recent thoughts have been negative.
& I need to get my priorities in order.
That has always been my problem... I just couldn't see it. My mind is not always "on the ball". I can see the bigger picture now. It's weird, how all kinds of lame analogies like that have rung true with me lately.

But right now, I need to busy myself with something.
I usually have the power to stop my "negative thought train", but it's still puffing along in the back of my mind.

(Can I do this? Can I "get on with my life?")

Full steam ahead...
I need to get some sleep.
Have you ever had dreams that were ultimate perfect what-you-want-to-happen-in-real-life?
As I recall my dreams throughout the day (vivid dreams are a side effect of meds I'm on, and they're not kidding. I sleep so deeply that my dreams are bizarre and intertwining), they twist into nightmares.

I can't deal with it.

If only these amazing things would happen in real life.
There's a constant nagging (I blame the train) in the back of my head.
What if this is like all the other times?
Can I do this "by myself"?
Is my resolve really stronger than ever?

I know I'm being indulgent, but that's the thing with depression.
Once you start thinking negatively, you never really stop.
A while ago I realized that I had been thinking so negatively, for so long, that I thought it was normal.
That may sound... obvious to you (it is to me now), but I have been unwell. For a long time.
Every thought was once a deception upon a deception (my own personal doublethink, forever loyal to the black cloud residing in my chest).
I can see through the cloud these days... most of the time.
But when the train starts running, the thicksome bloats of smoke (thx Nick Cave) fill
The cavity inside my chest.

xo Lisa Nicole.

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